Masked·Man·Diary

Few days of holidays left.

I didn’t meet friends much.

I didn’t went out much either.

I just feel like staying inside the house.

 

I read her blog today.

And think about what she wrote.

It is true, that I’m still trap with my past.

But wait, all my past I never have overcome it.

So there’s no point saying I trap with one.

But two, or even three.

 

When too much pressure in relationship,

I’ll think of the good times I had in the past.

When too bored in relationship,

I’ll think of the crazy times I had in the past.

But it was both different past.

 

I don’t interact much with family now.

I don’t interact much with friends either.

I guess the need of love and security is gone.

Sometimes I’m a hyper, sometimes I just don’t feel like talking.

 

That is why I don’t like telling the truth.

People will start thinking again.

Start assume as a smartass again.

And in the end, I’m the murderer. 

And so I was told to make a new blog.

Nothing much happens to me lately, just some exams and all that stresses me.

However, no one seems to understand what it means exam = study hard = I need my time to study.

I remember I used to study like crap; I would write the main points and the definitions repeatedly with bunch of papers just to remember and hope I can stuff the points in my head.

Until I found some new method, group studying, as in everyone discuss, I listen, and digest the conversation. It works on me.

Anyway, I was still confused with everything in my life. I’m indecisive and stubborn sometimes, well, a lot of times to be exact.

Say I’m moved on? Not quite. Say I’m stuck? I’m not sure either. It seems like every time I’ll imagine, day dream or even dream things that are impossible.

I hurt a lot of people recently. Especially my mother I guess.

After realized I made a wrong move making the stupid quiz “How well do you know me” on facebook and my dad eventually took it.

I guess both of them were upset with one of the questions. Sigh.

She called me last night. But I can hear the sadness from her tone. I couldn’t say much. I don’t know what to talk about.

Are you fine? How are you? All these questions were asked every time she called and I’ll just say yea, sure, u-huh, ok, bye. I only hope that I can say more, share more, talk more. But I just can’t.

Sometimes, I doubt myself making the right choice when I really have made my choice. Is it worth it to buy this? Am I sure I’ll go with this plan? I don’t know, sometimes, I wished people could guide me. Sadly, I don’t have anyone to depend on. My parents? To tell them all my doings and make them more worried? My girlfriend? She depends on me more than I could depend on her. My friends? Why do they even bother?

Now already 3:00am and tomorrow I have another 2:00pm exam and I didn’t even read much about it. People say I’m a good “counselor” and able to help them. Am I? I don’t even know much about my housemates, am I a good observer? When is the birthday, what is the favorite food, etc. Now to think about it, I don’t think I know much about them.

I’m not alienated by anyone. I am alienating myself from everyone who trying to get close to me. Sometimes I don’t really know what I really want in life. I just feel better being alone sometimes, that no one to argue, no one to entertain, no one to concern, no one to care, no one to feed, no one to stress.

I guess, my life is a plain paper waiting to be recycled sooner or later.

过了那么多天，那么多月。一直都以为我终于可以向前看，向前走了。不知道为什么，最近在梦里都会梦见一个不想见到的人。在现实，都会避免看到一位不想看到人。看多了一秒，心就开始痛。都避免了那么多次，为什么连在梦里都不放过我？

不是在怪为什么世界都那么不公平，而是在恨我，为什么还不能放下这个包袱。

人来人往，我还是觉得我还没长大。肉体上来说，我已经开始弱了。但心理上来讲，我还是那么的小孩，那么的幼稚。每天告诉人别那么小气，要走先一步，免得把事情搞杂了。看人不如看己，我比他们还要严重。可能是自己不想看到朋友会落到我这样，才劝他们吧。还是因为自己过不到这关，一直告诉人家如何做人？我也不清楚。

有时我真的很佩服某些人，可以很快地把包袱拿走，然后向前看。我却不可以。不管用了什么办法，我还是关在我的回忆当中。

新年来了，没什么要求，只想要家人都活得健健康康，快快乐乐。说到快乐，我觉得死了，才会有快乐，因为没有东西拿来烦，所以才快乐。是吗？

Today is a whole day time raining day. I was only wearing a boxer when I’m still sleeping, so imagine the cool air chilling my bone with my window open and the wind blows… but I liked it!

Last night, wait, is this morning… (Never mind…), I’ve done something I never thought I got guts enough to do it. Chatting with a girl whom we never talk much for two days, it seems like we’ve known each other for years. Although our age is quite a distance, but she tend to understand more than what I expected. I guess I really prefer maturity over anything.

Of all the things we talked, I can’t believe I would promise her to make braces just for her. Holy crap… The money of making one is already making my ass really hurt, but I have to take out my precious vampire teeth!! NOOOoooOooo!! But still… I guess it’s best for me… I need to go for interview one day anyway, without a nice smile, how the hell I gonna get a better job?

Anyway, my new life starts her. I hope she will look forth and not back too. I guess we both somehow holds one same thing, a-not-very-good-2008. Let’s see the flow then, if things between us really worked out… maybe I’ve found “her”…? Sigh, fuck it lah. Lol. Who knows what will happen… shit always happens…

Hehe… I gonna post one of the screen shots of her. I don’t think will know who she is anyway… LOL (because we never talk much all along…and it’s irresistible for me to post it…)

Don’t kill me if you see this…err…Piggy! LOL (hey, at least I post the best of all the worst…. LOL)

The 1^st day in Kampar, I reached about 6pm. I was so ready to have a walk from old town to new town! The distance is like about from Taman Bahagia LRT station walk to SS2 McDonald. So yea, it’s okay to me. While walking half way, suddenly rain, it wasn’t that bad after all, I smiled at myself and keep on walking. I was actually enjoying walking! Haha… however… my walking journey stopped when a taxi stopped for me and ask me to hop on. Oh well, I guess walking under the rain is not that good after all…

So what happened in Westlake when I was in KL? A friend told me for 2 weeks straight 2 rape cases happened in Westlake. Wtf? Why do people have to rape to get their pleasure?! C’mon guys… it’s really unfair for the virgins out there yea know… plus, I don’t see any hot chicks wondering around in Westlake…geez… Too bad I don’t know if it’s true.

And another news, one of the house no. 1464 got burnt! A friend of mine told me that the electricity fuse suddenly exploded and causes the house into fire! I still don’t think it’s true though. I went there for a look today, but there’s not even a scratch on the house… I want some SCENE!

So I online the whole day until I went out with a friend for a dinner. He cut his hair which makes me wanna cut too. Haha. We eat, and then the rain starts pouring. It didn’t stop for an hour. We sat there ordered our second drink and watch TV there. Finally, for one and a half hour sitting there with a guy, we roll out from that place even it is still raining.

Oh btw, did I mention I was an usher for the Christmas night at my church? I was standing outside waiting to serve people, while the sky was like so emo that makes me so comfort. It’s like the sky understands how I feel.

Yea, I’ve decided. I will finally celebrate New Year without my parents, nor my friends. I’ll be celebrating New Year here in Kampar. For so many years, I’m sick of attending church for countdown, so lifeless and meaningless. I think I’ll reward myself with some cans of beers and snacks for the New Year’s Eve night.

Suddenly, I felt that I’m so far away from my friends. I’m all alone. But it’s okay I guess, who knows what will happen tomorrow? Or maybe years later? We will in fact become hi-bye friends in the end. I guess I need to find some ways to get along with people from the outside, far away from my network by expanding it. Haha, I think I’m not a friend that can be remembered by anyone after time passes. Is like a tissue being used and throw away to the side drain. (Did I write that before?) Anyway, all I ever wished is people to remember me, or notice that I actually exist. I dunno why I want people to pay attention on me, I just want to. Maybe because I’m the only son, whom I always think people who are the only child in the family, have difficulties being “normal”. Maybe I’m wrong, but I’ll stand on my fact.

I’m somehow happy today. It is not a good or a kind way of happy. But the evil inside me, the urge of revenge inside me is laughing deeply, piercing my blood veins with this dark intension inside of me. My mind shouts, I knew I was right. My heart shouts, finally, its show time. I didn’t stop it from overwhelming me; instead, I let it cover my better side of me. I paused, and think again, why am I enjoying this? Why am I wasting my time on this? What will I get anyway? Suddenly, a pain strike out between my brains, it is as if something like a chainsaw that can talk shouts at me with the answer, isn’t that what you want all the time? My hand went chill but my heart stomps harder and harder laughing like a monster. Is this how it feels like, to become a villain?

人真的好奇怪，每当他们拥有一个东西的时候，就会只看着新感觉，抛弃了久东西。不然就是会远走高飞，不会再往回头。就先说我吧，以前的感情都可以延迟到三年，一开始踏进大学，好像会飞这样，更糟糕的是得到了电脑过后的日子。就这样，三年的感情被科技破坏了，可以说我错在先，可以说我负心人。但我后悔，为什么选择了这短暂的快乐。

以前都不会驾车，只会塔公共交通，每天都会埋怨为什么我们都住那么远，但最后见到她的那时刻，什么怨都会自然的消失了。现在飞来飞去，更本不想念家了。就好像一只小鸟学会了飞一样，一去就不回头。只去寻找一个可以给我刺激，暂时性的快乐而已。

这个圣诞节，我什么都不渴望，只希望可以得到我的三年前的感情。希望她会原谅我的错误。说我以前冷门的斩断了这份感情，其实，我自己对着镜子，痛哭了一个礼拜。最后决定不要难免大家，走了坏男人的角色。坏人的角色，其实不难做，但是越做越深的时候，报应果然会打醒我的真情。

她不原谅我也没关系了，因为我知道我不配。以后的事我不能肯定说我永远找不到另一半，但我只可以说，现在两个女人我所爱过的，我被伤害的，都是我的错。唉，男人难做。

I decided not to write one word title, too annoyed to figure one out.

Got a news from my parents today, that an old friend of ours past away in hospital. She was sent to hospital days ago. At first, everyone thought she got infected or something that caused her sick and weak, and so in the local hospital (yes, I have to specifically voice it out, it is a LOCAL HOSPITAL)’s doctor injected her with some antibiotic. Everyone thought she will be fine.

The next day at midnight, she wanted to go to the toilet (and yes, she is still in the hospital, did I mention she was sent to ICU? Oh yes, the LOCAL HOSPITAL’s ICU is a share room, no difference with the normal hospital rooms.) She went toilet alone, and suddenly fell unconscious and hit her head on the toilet bowl. It might sound funny to us when we watch in movies. But no, it was serious. She hit her head, causing internal injuries in her head, which means her brain is bleeding.

We don’t know how long the nurse actually found her fainted in the toilet; she was sent to ER and operates. The condition went bad. She passed away this morning, 10^th December 2008. This news was not a sad thing to talk about, but somewhat brings anger. Doctors finally found what disease she was infected, in was Aedes. Fyi, people who got Aedes cannot have any injections such as antibiotics, because it will worsen the condition. However, the noob doctors only found out after she died.

You know what so sad about this? She got married last two years, she and her husband always wanted a child due to their age. Somehow, miracle came true and let them have a boy, the only child. Now, this boy has to suffer the rest of his life without a mother’s care. Imagine, he cannot celebrate mother’s day while his friends could in school. Imagine what he will write about “my mother” in his essay in the exams. Imagine the scar he will suffer in his young age now. He recently started learning how to speak, the first word was “mama”, and that word will never be spoken out again.

It is interesting; see how people will change due to one accident. After 911 incident, people would gather and cherish what they had. Even the suicide rates when down after that incident. After things are not fresh, people would continue their ordinary life and suicide continues up rise. Just like how our friend here, now she past away because of Aedes, people I know who have connections with her are now washing their house making sure there’s no mosquitoes breeding in their house, which includes my family. My question is, must self-conscious appear right after something happen around their lives? Must we value things only when we lost it? I realized that now. And I’m always prepared that my parents will die one day. I won’t feel bad or sad, but will settle things that they have left for me to work on.

What I am afraid of is aging. I feel old now, and I could never turn back the time I have wasted. I must stress on what I should stress now, education and family. If only love is there for me to stress on. I guess the time have not yet come.