Oct

10

666s words post

October 10, 2009 | | Leave a Comment

Recently I have been thinking too much. Blaming others, cursing what should have been done, and so on. I know I should not be complaining. I know I should change myself instead of wanting to change the fact. There are a lot of things I know I should do and should not, but the fact is, I can’t.

There’s no reason explaining why I can’t. People may call it irrational. I think I’m too sensitive towards everything around me. I learn to be sensitive since last year, because I was a not very sensitive and always have conflicts over my insensitiveness. But time goes by, people now saying that I am too sensitive towards everything. Maybe I am, or maybe the fact I believe in is too pessimistic and people may not agree my point of view.

My mother stop working since the beginning of the year, wanted to work at home by collecting clothes or making new clothes for customers instead of working with my aunt. My dad, in other hand is going to quit his job and going for study in some Christian bible college, then work in church. I told myself that everything will be alright, since they have their life, I have my own.

I didn’t imagine future, or how things will turn out in the next 5 years or 3. I’ll be working; my mother at home, most probably online if there’s no customers. My father will study, which I can’t imagine a thing about it. The problem is the financial part. I don’t have any financial security. I don’t have any insurance for education. What if I was able to further my study? Okay, I may be working to earn enough, to further my study. Then who’s going to pay my parents expenses?

I’m the only child in this family. If both of them quit their job, then I have to fully work on this matter. Not to say I don’t want to be a good son and continues the faith. But I can’t see the future. Yes, pray to God. If only pray and don’t do something about it, like shit will happen. For an example, if I want to get straight A’s, I have to pray. But seldom study. I don’t think I will get it. Because I didn’t DOSOMETHING ABOUT IT.

I was so ‘emo’ in facebook, hoping my family would understand my point of view. I’m a passive guy; I don’t usually talk about the problem. I guess, I have no choice but to deal with it. I guess even my cousin understands my situation and offers her help. She was offering me a help. I felt so, worthless. My family that needs others hand. Even her mom just gave me a hundred bucks and asks me to keep it. What have happen to my life? It’s not like I have no legs and hands. I have to do something about it. I have enough with all this hypocrites’ religion bullshit.

I went to Cold Storage bought some food and ate there; a man with a bible was on the phone, talking about business stuffs. Everything was about business, and the important key word he pointed out, “He was too emotional doing things.” these words coming out from a man with a bible? Two women were passing by; I’ve seen them from church, talking about scandals in the store. I was like what the fuck?

I don’t see any difference between a religious person who attends to church every weekend, and those hard working people who have a happy weekend with their family. Oh yes, I never had a good weekends with family, because of church.People go service, do OHP, sing, usher, this and that. At the backs complains that what they are doing there. I don’t see any point of going places with full of complains because me myself is already complaining. If 2012 is the end of mankind, I’m so looking forward.

Oct

3

Time never waits

October 3, 2009 | | Leave a Comment

Moon cake festival, a day where family should be eating dinner together.

However, I didn’t. My parents decided to go for church gathering first then only to family gathering.

I don’t know. But somehow I believe differently than my parents now. I would rather spend time with the relatives. Than spending time with the “family in Christ”. Looking at my cousins, and how the kids grow. I realize that time don’t wait people. It is the people who wasting their time. I wasted my time. Too long. And never had the chance to move on. Only able to mourn the lost and hate the enemies. I guess, my life will be black and white.

My whole day sucked. I don’t know why, but I just have no motivation on all things. My speakers are broken, the car lights are broken, and I’m broke. What else? Me dead?

Too many weird dreams I have recently. Broken my left ring finger while riding a bike. Went back to time and meet my 1st ex. I’m found dead, found my mom, and she say the heaven is too late for me. I mean what the hell? Not to be superstitious but I do believe that my dreams indicates something will happen. Just like what happens on my past relationships.

A tutor once said that it is not healthy to talk to self especially looking at the mirror and talk to self when not happy or angry. It may lead to mental abnormalities. I did those, even now, when I am emo. Especially when I went wild last year. Sometimes, I wonder, am I insane? I heard stories about my family, is it possible that I am genetically passed on?

“Haha. Perhaps” I guess that would be the last attempt that I will continue being a sunny boy. I don’t want to go anywhere now. I’m tired. Wanting to make people to happy selflessly is pain in the ass to me. But I still want to hold on. If only hope is given. If, if only.

Sep

21

Monster: it kills and make things dirty.

September 21, 2009 | | 1 Comment

Is another cold day today, I’ve been sleeping late lately,

Maybe because finals and me being lazy to wake up early.

I wasn’t happy today,

Maybe because I wasted my whole day doing nothing facing my laptop again.

I don’t understand sometimes,

Why people just can’t leave another alone or another’s friend alone after relationship is ended.

If I did not ask, I don’t think I will ever found out.

That other has been mixing with others before me knowing it.

What are you trying to do actually?

I really question myself, what is your purpose?

“this was his favorite song”

“should I buy him chocolates?”

“if he don’t meet me today, no friends forever.”

The question is, why want to meet someone so sudden?

I believe in psychodynamic, that people decisions are based on their intentions.

I don’t believe in “just wanna hang around”

That’s bullshit.

I deleted all the post,

because I wanted to move on.

And crush all the memories and hopes.

Call me bad, call me evil.

And I have to say something that I have kept for these long.

The fucking problem why someone thinks that others are the problem,

Is because they are the fucking problem.

I EMPHASIZED, do not ASSUME.

I EMPHASIZED, don’t BLAME others if self can’t DO IT.

GOD, I wonder how many people have been corrupted.

By you spread around what monster I am.

Is not I don’t want to be friends. See?

It’s because the actions you’ve taken.

You’re lucky I don’t kill.

Because I’m not a monster.