Oct
10
666s words post
October 10, 2009 | |
Recently I have been thinking too much. Blaming others, cursing what should have been done, and so on. I know I should not be complaining. I know I should change myself instead of wanting to change the fact. There are a lot of things I know I should do and should not, but the fact is, I can’t.
There’s no reason explaining why I can’t. People may call it irrational. I think I’m too sensitive towards everything around me. I learn to be sensitive since last year, because I was a not very sensitive and always have conflicts over my insensitiveness. But time goes by, people now saying that I am too sensitive towards everything. Maybe I am, or maybe the fact I believe in is too pessimistic and people may not agree my point of view.
My mother stop working since the beginning of the year, wanted to work at home by collecting clothes or making new clothes for customers instead of working with my aunt. My dad, in other hand is going to quit his job and going for study in some Christian bible college, then work in church. I told myself that everything will be alright, since they have their life, I have my own.
I didn’t imagine future, or how things will turn out in the next 5 years or 3. I’ll be working; my mother at home, most probably online if there’s no customers. My father will study, which I can’t imagine a thing about it. The problem is the financial part. I don’t have any financial security. I don’t have any insurance for education. What if I was able to further my study? Okay, I may be working to earn enough, to further my study. Then who’s going to pay my parents expenses?
I’m the only child in this family. If both of them quit their job, then I have to fully work on this matter. Not to say I don’t want to be a good son and continues the faith. But I can’t see the future. Yes, pray to God. If only pray and don’t do something about it, like shit will happen. For an example, if I want to get straight A’s, I have to pray. But seldom study. I don’t think I will get it. Because I didn’t DOSOMETHING ABOUT IT.
I was so ‘emo’ in facebook, hoping my family would understand my point of view. I’m a passive guy; I don’t usually talk about the problem. I guess, I have no choice but to deal with it. I guess even my cousin understands my situation and offers her help. She was offering me a help. I felt so, worthless. My family that needs others hand. Even her mom just gave me a hundred bucks and asks me to keep it. What have happen to my life? It’s not like I have no legs and hands. I have to do something about it. I have enough with all this hypocrites’ religion bullshit.
I went to Cold Storage bought some food and ate there; a man with a bible was on the phone, talking about business stuffs. Everything was about business, and the important key word he pointed out, “He was too emotional doing things.” these words coming out from a man with a bible? Two women were passing by; I’ve seen them from church, talking about scandals in the store. I was like what the fuck?
I don’t see any difference between a religious person who attends to church every weekend, and those hard working people who have a happy weekend with their family. Oh yes, I never had a good weekends with family, because of church.People go service, do OHP, sing, usher, this and that. At the backs complains that what they are doing there. I don’t see any point of going places with full of complains because me myself is already complaining. If 2012 is the end of mankind, I’m so looking forward.
